waiting for the water to boil.

yes, i'm cooking - something, because as tasty as it is, i decided that a giant spoonful of nutella wasn't the best supper choice.

today was strange - i started back working on tuesdays, so no more 3 day weekends for this girl - but what has been the strangest thing for the last few days is the amount of sleep that i've gotten. like my body has decided in the last few days to make up for all the sleep i haven't gotten over the years, i've decided not to fight it - stacey may have to give up her napping crown to me.

todd called sunday night ( while i was waiting for angela to show up to watch "bridezillas" ) poor girl, she's never seen me with the bad cry - it tweren't cute. but whatever.

that boy has me as the kids say "straight up trippin' boo"

whatever.

and now the water is ready.

so it's sunday.

and i was so tempted to title this "sunday, sunday" not unlike "monday, monday" - but that whole mackenzie phillips thing skeeved me out so much - i had to skip that plan.

so, since it's sunday - i had breakfast with eeyore. it's interesting - about a month ago he suggested that we get together every sunday for breakfast, i said sure why not, knowing that it would NEVER happen -because really, everytime we have made plans along those lines - it never works out. and i'll be damned if we haven't had breakfast together the last month of sundays. it's become something i've grown to look forward to. it's never anything fancy - but it's an hour or so a week where we catch up and re-connect. i still shake my head in wonder sometimes at how we ended up such good friends when all odds were against that for years. it's kinda nice.

what's not so nice is my moment last week when i was unable to "keep my pimp hand strong" and i called todd. he of course didn't answer, and i of course left a voice mail. it said something to the effect of " look here negro, get off of whoever you're on top of and call me, cause damn"

and of course there was no call.

i think all of this has really changed how i feel about "love" at least romantic love. i really do think it's crap. i think there's an initial attraction, whether it's physical, or that someone makes you laugh, or it's one irish car bomb too many. but then it's just a decision on whether or not you can tolerate someone's patterns and personality. and by this time, you've been naked with them, so that part doesn't stop. it's just sex with someone you can predict. it may be comfort, but it's not love.

i re-read the words he wrote me, clearly in the intitial attraction, and i think of how i believed the forever words he wrote, and how he spoke of love, and how i believed it.

i was a sucker, i was.

but not any more, and not in a hard, men suck , or live is a bitch and they you die - kinda way...but a i don't think it is a real thing. i will no longer search for it, - if i find someone that has patterns that match with mine ... that's fine. and if i don't - whatever, i'm going to do what i want to...and no longer what 'he' would think of it or consider any other attraction i have cheating. because that last year was a lie - and i'm not living that lie anymore.

the new truth, romantic "love" is a lie. created by hallmark cards, songwriters, and lifetime movies.

so. no more looking for love. no more looking for mr. right.

but quite possibly looking for mr. saturday night ( then get the hell out and lock the bottom lock on the front door on your way out kthxbye )

still a rockstar.

interesting week, i had a major money fuck up - that i fixed without borrowing money - YAYME! that's not to say that old fears about money ( and the lack of ) didn't resurface, cause they did - but not to the point of destruction or inability to function .... thank you therapy, wellbrutin, and cymbalta ( where does depression hurt?)

yesterday, i was in the place where all i wanted was a hug - and i was alone for the most part .... that really sucked, i realized how busy the lives of all my friends and i were .... and how so many of the ones i love dearly - are so physically far away from me, but woke up feeling renewed - and able to remember how lucky i am.

i was able to remember last night that i have my health, time and friends.... what more could i need. i have TOO MANY FRIENDS that have major illnesses going on, or have loved ones that are going thru health, how do you say in your language.. challenges, i just found out this morning about a person i know whose family lost their house and everything in it during this week's floods here in atlanta, another friend had to have their sick and elderly dog put to sleep, some are dealing with divorce and heartache.

me, i forgot to write in a check.

that's it. pulled money over from savings, crisis averted. i have a job that i truly love and i'm passionate about, better friends than money can buy, and relative great health. sometimes i'm in no way able to acknowledge the good in my life and all i can see is the crap, luckily today is not that day. i can see the good - and i'm grateful.


ok enough of that shitting rainbows and unicorns crap.

yes, changed the template again - which means i need to add the links back in and all that jazz - and i'm hoping the comments work again - not that i even think anyone reads this anymore or cares to comment - but changing things up seems to be in the air ( sidebar: i came THIS close to making the template Twilight or New Moon or Edward Cullen ... so consider yourselves lucky - i give not one shit that i'm almost 40 american years old and i find that tiny skinny near felony robert pattinson dreamy, so shut it ) ok where was i, ah yes, ch ch ch ch changes - i got new carpet in the whole house - and new drapes in the den ( no the carpet doesn't match the drapes .... well actually, it sorta does ), new patio furniture this summer for the .....wait for it - yeah, the patio, and a super new SUPER short new haircut.

i haven't done hair this short ( on purpose ) in a long time, and i feel sassy, sexy, pretty, and like me again....and that my friend doesn't suck.

i still haven't changed the man situation, i still love that man, and he still doesn't/can't/won't love me back - we speak sometimes, and usually i feel worse after we talk, but because part of me is still a stupid masochist i sill long for the sound of his voice when i don't hear it. i heard "our song" at work ( lovely day ) on the radio at work the other day and started tearing up. but then yesterday i heard it again and was able to sing along and remember that i loved that song long before i loved todd.

so for today - things are good. i have hot coffee, jason mraz in my ears, stacey's phone called me from her butt this morning, and i slept all the way thru the night.

so in the words of dr dre - today was (is) a good day.

god DAMN it.

a wee but proud rant


or, why i hate comcast cable.

or, why did the dog decide to wait until i had BRAND NEW CARPET to shit in the house for the very first time ever?

or, why do i care what todd thinks about me - when it's clear he doesn't at all

or, why was the shop so slow that in an 8 hour shift, i made only 80 bucks

or, why do i live so far away from my friends

or, why does that damn texan ( houston version ) not realize that he needs to be available to ME when I need to talk.....:)

or, why do all my cd's for the car seem scratched lately

and most important.

why do i NOT have a never ending supply of chocolate at my house, cause damn.

i'll post something real this weekend, trying really REALLY hard to get back in the swing of blogging.

who knew.

i still have a computer and sorta remember how to type.

so, i promised myself i was going to blog everyday of my 39th year, and clearly that didn't happen....but i'm starting to do more for me - and i'm getting back on track with the whole blogger thing.

but i'm looking at today as a new start, yes, again ( shut up ).

this summer has been a tough one. i had a REALLY hard time after todd dumped my ass - actually who am i kidding? i'm still having a hard time, it sneaks up on me - i hear song, or smell his cologne on someone and it's like i'm hearing him say those words all over again ...but most days are fine - if not good. so there's that.


i just got back from vacay - i picked up lola and we went to stacey's for a week. have i mentioned how great the wee tasty is - cause damn she is. it was a great trip - much laughing, some crying, MUCH food, a jason mraz concert

( where we met bushwalla WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!)


ignore the devil eye - he was the high one ... i was the sweaty one!

*we went to lunch with terri - who i have to say is a little funnier than me, and i told her - that kinda pisses me off.... :)

*we also went w-hay up north and met "THE" beth. she's fantastic. a perfect hostess ( the anti-kitchen nazi ) it was perfect...

*stacey and i spent the day at the indiana state fair with christel and austin - one of the best days i've had in a long time, i can't believe how much i loved the fair - i'm gonna go again - such a good time - i try to act like i'm all citified - but i really do like the quiet and honest work of the country...... anyway - another topic for another time.

* and and and - we went to see Kathy Griffin...good god - i haven't laughed like that in a long time - it was well needed and well appreciated. drama happened later that night that will have to be dealt with eventually - but all is well for now.

ok - so here's the thing -i'm going to make another effort at this - and talk about changes i'm trying to make between now and next june when i slam head first into 40.

and as dolly parton says - i can be fat, and i can be 40 - but i can't be fat AND 40.

so changes are happening.

god help me.

and you, you help me too.



*and yeah, i changed the template - but it seems the comments still aren't working - gonna try to fix that - code for asking tex to fix it for me*

thurs. fri. sat

i actually have blogs written out for these days .... on paper ...and will type them out tonight.

and oh yes, tex informed me that i "ganked up my comments"

i guess there's a flaw in the template - maybe i'll change it - but i like the way this one looks - so we'll see.

off to work.

ok.

so yesterday wasn't quite the rock star birthday i wanted .... at least while i was in it.

now i sit and look around the room.

i have cookies from stacey
i have flowers from tex
i had flowers from todd
i have cards of love from friends
i have new patio furniture
i had FANTASTIC pancakes with mom
i had a nice dinner with christine and her family
i got a hydranga plant from cherie.
i got TONS of phone calls and text messages


while i feel very sad about the breakup of me and todd - and the life i thought i was going to have...right now, in this moment i can recognize what i do have. ( which is very tenuous and subject to change at anytime ) right now i realize i'm rich in friends - and if todd doesn't love me in the way i need to be loved, guess what? i have tons of friends who do.

and i have an appointment with the doctor for new drugs next week

could be worse. but in this moment.

it's fine.