sunday sunday sunday.

today could have been a whole lot worse.

i got to sleep in some, went to breakfast with a good friend at the shiny diner then angela came over and we worked on the brown fat for a while - i'm trying to be smart about it - and enjoy how the sun feels and (no pun intended ) warms my spirit... but not fry like a chicken in a row boat. i need to not do that to my skin. ang and i did a little thrift-store shopping after, then crashed at my house, watched a little harry potter and just talked.

she's now upstairs getting ready for her date with 2 cute boys while i type this ... and i'm wondering what's for supper and reflecting on this past week.

shit week.

so let me tell you about what happened at work yesterday ( yesterday being the last day of work before my birthday - the day we always celebrate ( if not working on the actual day )

can you see where this is headed.

nothing happened.

no cards
no balloons
no cupcakes


no thing.


great.

cause this is the week i can handle this, i have LOADS of extra energy this. week. except i don't.

now, thank god for my friends that work at sally's they gave me a sweet card, giant slice of cheesecake, and nail polishes....and home friends - they were great of course - christine and i went to dinner, did some shopping - got some goodies for the patio/grill area....and we did a walk thru the 'ghetto' wal-mart - doesn't sound super exciting, but to just have time together, was enough for me.

lauren and i have both talked ( at great length ) about our men-folk situation i have a feeling that while there were the VERY best of intentions - i was both a vacation from reality - and played for a fool ( and was a fool ). i don't think these were done with any kind of malice- just were. i've been told i'm wrong for these feelings - well not for the feeling - but that i'm wrong about them ..... but kinda feeling that way anyway. and while it's not the best feeling i've ever had - it's not the worst either.

it just is.

***
angela just left here to go hang with her friends - and good god she's pretty - like stacey pretty - like so pretty it makes me angry. but it did make me take a look at myself and say - make an effort - so gonna NOT wallow in pity tonight - but seriously do some maintenance on me. mani/pedi/hair treatments/facial ....tomorrow do some quick straightening of the house - then back to the pool for a few hours.

i joke about being all about me, all the time ( even tex calls me 'mimi' ) but really, i do - if not "for" others, what i think others want from me too much. and this year, this 39th one that's coming up - that changes. starting tonight. then playing every day ....until there are no more days.

not selfish ( i think selfish indicates that there's not enough to go around and someone has to have lack for me to have what i need ) but i'm doing for me.

cause really Ru said it best.

"if you can't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love someone else?"

hummm.

so i work in a really decent shop - decent meaning we do good work, we generally all get along, generally all do what needs to be done without having to be told .... with the exception of one person - and of course she is the one who bitches the loudest. and today i wonder what would actually happen if i ripped her 'i wish i was beyonce - and i'm so damn not' wig off of her head and fed it to her.

it makes a happy little thought in my head to think on it.

and today is saturday - so i don't have to be at work until noon .... and i'm considering making pancakes for breakfast - basically because i can - but tomorrow is better.

i'm going to breakfast with cherie - then depending on weather angela and i are either going to lay out at the pool ALL DAMN DAY ( yes, kd - with sunscreen ) or sew. i have 2 sewing machines now - which basically means i have a sweatshop in my house. i want this to be the summer of girly skirts and sun dresses. i realize i'm fat - but i also realize that damnit - i'm a grown ass woman and if i wanna put my fat arms out there - i'm going to. and i want to and i'm gonig to.

so the sweatshop will be open and we will sew until our own fingers bleed - the upside of all of this is that we tend to average at least one bottle of wine per sewing adventure.

oh, and have i mentioned my birthday is coming up? cause it is ... and i'm also working on a lot of home improvement projects - getting new carpet installed, painting ( those had been plans,but then there was some talk about moving up north to be with todd - so i put the improvements on hold - but now, fuck that - i'm doing what i want ), and part of that improvement is doing some work in the back yard to make it more fun. i got new patio furniture and moved the grill off the patio and onto some pavers so there's a little more space. also, the bottle tree i had in the front finally fell apart so mom and dad got me a new one from here - the BIG DADDY!


i'm excited. i need some outdoor lighting, speakers for the outside, a little more seating, and then it's party time .... woohoo!

if you can tell from the not so damn sad tone of this post, today is a good day so far. todd and i have talked some, i know he loves me ( as best he can ) but sadly right now - he's choosing to be a volunteer for his depression. i can't be angry at someone who is doing what i myself have done. i just now know that there's nothing wrong with the depression - it's something that can be managed with medicine and therapy - and when he makes that jump - he'll feel better, i can recommend it - beg for it - support it .... but it's his choice. when he manages his depression - he'll be back to old todd.....and we'll still be friends.

maybe more, probably not. but i still wish him good mental health ( thanks frasier ) cause i remember how bad not managing it feels -i wouldn't wish that on anyone.

so here we go.... t-minus 5 days.

***i started writing this on paper at work yesterday ( 5/27/09 ) and finished up today ***

Some people do most of their reflecting at new years ( once again relegated to a HATED holiday ). I tend to do mine around my birthday. And yes, we've come to that time again. 39 is just a few days away. I can't help but think about the last year.

*I'm still a hairbanger, switched shops for about 2 months, then went back to my small, dumpy, kinda cheap shop where i'm less than 1 mile from home - have a schedule made of win {smell that? it's a 3 day weekend, every weekend} ...so i have life kinda easy and sweet..

*I finally got the answers i needed to the whole travis thing

*i fell head over heels ( sometimes literally ) crazy in love with someone i was pretty fuckin' sure i was going to have my happily ever after with....and due to a myriad of circumstances it's not working out. He promised me he'd never leave & he kinda did. My female friends say he's not gone - he's working on him. and i'm sure that's true ....however my male friends (one in particular who i totally trust ) says it's funeral time, bury it - it's dead....i don't know what to believe yet.

*i'm still crazy about "the numb3rs" it's funny, we've really not been friends all that long & yet i can't imagine life without them - or really remember when they weren't there.

*i'm still best of friends with the texan. we have our moments, days, weeks, where we don't talk ( generally because he's been an ass....but we always return to friends - that's nice to count on)

*i've got more of a grip on my mental health - i can tell when it's time to get help - and when it's just the blues

*i've got a good relationship with my parents, maybe better than ever.

Still working on

* my relationship with my faith ... whatever that's going to look like. thoughts on god, life, death, love, & religion.

*the promise i made myself that i would not be fat at 40....i have one year left to make good on that one with myself

*i have been better at seeing my long distance friends, i want more of that - i need more face time with those i call "face"

5/28/09

so yesterday, i was in the suck. not saying is yippie - but i'm allowing one day to feel like todd is going to take me under. that was yesterday - and he's not going to. i am going to be fine. and so is he. we might be fine together. we might not be.

either way, it's not going to be what kills me.

no matter what, ( at least right now ) i still love that damn man, and i'm not giving up on hope. ...not yet at least.

last night eeyore came over on his way out of town to see his folks and brought me some xanax that angela had for me ( thanks, ang ) THAT is a good friend - both of them actually. I still chuckle at how after all these years, he's one of my best friends in Atlanta. Life is funny - sometimes heartbreaking, but funny.

I'm going to do my best today to stay out of the funk - gonna talk to friends who have soft kind words that i need today, and not communicate so much with my friends who area maybe a little too honest and it feels a little harsh...and get thru today.


.....because in 5 short days, i'm going to be 39 years old.

HOLY CRAP!

no husband, no boyfriend, no kids ..... but i have mike, excellent friends, a killer rack, new patio furniture, a pool membership & cold beer in the fridge, could be much much worse.

holy christ.

i'm going to be thirty nine american years old on tuesday.

so i'm starting over. a new blog to chronicle my last year as a thirty-something.

hang on, strap tight ( shut up ), i predict a bumpy ride.