waiting for the water to boil.

yes, i'm cooking - something, because as tasty as it is, i decided that a giant spoonful of nutella wasn't the best supper choice.

today was strange - i started back working on tuesdays, so no more 3 day weekends for this girl - but what has been the strangest thing for the last few days is the amount of sleep that i've gotten. like my body has decided in the last few days to make up for all the sleep i haven't gotten over the years, i've decided not to fight it - stacey may have to give up her napping crown to me.

todd called sunday night ( while i was waiting for angela to show up to watch "bridezillas" ) poor girl, she's never seen me with the bad cry - it tweren't cute. but whatever.

that boy has me as the kids say "straight up trippin' boo"

whatever.

and now the water is ready.

so it's sunday.

and i was so tempted to title this "sunday, sunday" not unlike "monday, monday" - but that whole mackenzie phillips thing skeeved me out so much - i had to skip that plan.

so, since it's sunday - i had breakfast with eeyore. it's interesting - about a month ago he suggested that we get together every sunday for breakfast, i said sure why not, knowing that it would NEVER happen -because really, everytime we have made plans along those lines - it never works out. and i'll be damned if we haven't had breakfast together the last month of sundays. it's become something i've grown to look forward to. it's never anything fancy - but it's an hour or so a week where we catch up and re-connect. i still shake my head in wonder sometimes at how we ended up such good friends when all odds were against that for years. it's kinda nice.

what's not so nice is my moment last week when i was unable to "keep my pimp hand strong" and i called todd. he of course didn't answer, and i of course left a voice mail. it said something to the effect of " look here negro, get off of whoever you're on top of and call me, cause damn"

and of course there was no call.

i think all of this has really changed how i feel about "love" at least romantic love. i really do think it's crap. i think there's an initial attraction, whether it's physical, or that someone makes you laugh, or it's one irish car bomb too many. but then it's just a decision on whether or not you can tolerate someone's patterns and personality. and by this time, you've been naked with them, so that part doesn't stop. it's just sex with someone you can predict. it may be comfort, but it's not love.

i re-read the words he wrote me, clearly in the intitial attraction, and i think of how i believed the forever words he wrote, and how he spoke of love, and how i believed it.

i was a sucker, i was.

but not any more, and not in a hard, men suck , or live is a bitch and they you die - kinda way...but a i don't think it is a real thing. i will no longer search for it, - if i find someone that has patterns that match with mine ... that's fine. and if i don't - whatever, i'm going to do what i want to...and no longer what 'he' would think of it or consider any other attraction i have cheating. because that last year was a lie - and i'm not living that lie anymore.

the new truth, romantic "love" is a lie. created by hallmark cards, songwriters, and lifetime movies.

so. no more looking for love. no more looking for mr. right.

but quite possibly looking for mr. saturday night ( then get the hell out and lock the bottom lock on the front door on your way out kthxbye )

still a rockstar.

interesting week, i had a major money fuck up - that i fixed without borrowing money - YAYME! that's not to say that old fears about money ( and the lack of ) didn't resurface, cause they did - but not to the point of destruction or inability to function .... thank you therapy, wellbrutin, and cymbalta ( where does depression hurt?)

yesterday, i was in the place where all i wanted was a hug - and i was alone for the most part .... that really sucked, i realized how busy the lives of all my friends and i were .... and how so many of the ones i love dearly - are so physically far away from me, but woke up feeling renewed - and able to remember how lucky i am.

i was able to remember last night that i have my health, time and friends.... what more could i need. i have TOO MANY FRIENDS that have major illnesses going on, or have loved ones that are going thru health, how do you say in your language.. challenges, i just found out this morning about a person i know whose family lost their house and everything in it during this week's floods here in atlanta, another friend had to have their sick and elderly dog put to sleep, some are dealing with divorce and heartache.

me, i forgot to write in a check.

that's it. pulled money over from savings, crisis averted. i have a job that i truly love and i'm passionate about, better friends than money can buy, and relative great health. sometimes i'm in no way able to acknowledge the good in my life and all i can see is the crap, luckily today is not that day. i can see the good - and i'm grateful.


ok enough of that shitting rainbows and unicorns crap.

yes, changed the template again - which means i need to add the links back in and all that jazz - and i'm hoping the comments work again - not that i even think anyone reads this anymore or cares to comment - but changing things up seems to be in the air ( sidebar: i came THIS close to making the template Twilight or New Moon or Edward Cullen ... so consider yourselves lucky - i give not one shit that i'm almost 40 american years old and i find that tiny skinny near felony robert pattinson dreamy, so shut it ) ok where was i, ah yes, ch ch ch ch changes - i got new carpet in the whole house - and new drapes in the den ( no the carpet doesn't match the drapes .... well actually, it sorta does ), new patio furniture this summer for the .....wait for it - yeah, the patio, and a super new SUPER short new haircut.

i haven't done hair this short ( on purpose ) in a long time, and i feel sassy, sexy, pretty, and like me again....and that my friend doesn't suck.

i still haven't changed the man situation, i still love that man, and he still doesn't/can't/won't love me back - we speak sometimes, and usually i feel worse after we talk, but because part of me is still a stupid masochist i sill long for the sound of his voice when i don't hear it. i heard "our song" at work ( lovely day ) on the radio at work the other day and started tearing up. but then yesterday i heard it again and was able to sing along and remember that i loved that song long before i loved todd.

so for today - things are good. i have hot coffee, jason mraz in my ears, stacey's phone called me from her butt this morning, and i slept all the way thru the night.

so in the words of dr dre - today was (is) a good day.

god DAMN it.

a wee but proud rant


or, why i hate comcast cable.

or, why did the dog decide to wait until i had BRAND NEW CARPET to shit in the house for the very first time ever?

or, why do i care what todd thinks about me - when it's clear he doesn't at all

or, why was the shop so slow that in an 8 hour shift, i made only 80 bucks

or, why do i live so far away from my friends

or, why does that damn texan ( houston version ) not realize that he needs to be available to ME when I need to talk.....:)

or, why do all my cd's for the car seem scratched lately

and most important.

why do i NOT have a never ending supply of chocolate at my house, cause damn.

i'll post something real this weekend, trying really REALLY hard to get back in the swing of blogging.