waiting for the water to boil.

yes, i'm cooking - something, because as tasty as it is, i decided that a giant spoonful of nutella wasn't the best supper choice.

today was strange - i started back working on tuesdays, so no more 3 day weekends for this girl - but what has been the strangest thing for the last few days is the amount of sleep that i've gotten. like my body has decided in the last few days to make up for all the sleep i haven't gotten over the years, i've decided not to fight it - stacey may have to give up her napping crown to me.

todd called sunday night ( while i was waiting for angela to show up to watch "bridezillas" ) poor girl, she's never seen me with the bad cry - it tweren't cute. but whatever.

that boy has me as the kids say "straight up trippin' boo"

whatever.

and now the water is ready.

so it's sunday.

and i was so tempted to title this "sunday, sunday" not unlike "monday, monday" - but that whole mackenzie phillips thing skeeved me out so much - i had to skip that plan.

so, since it's sunday - i had breakfast with eeyore. it's interesting - about a month ago he suggested that we get together every sunday for breakfast, i said sure why not, knowing that it would NEVER happen -because really, everytime we have made plans along those lines - it never works out. and i'll be damned if we haven't had breakfast together the last month of sundays. it's become something i've grown to look forward to. it's never anything fancy - but it's an hour or so a week where we catch up and re-connect. i still shake my head in wonder sometimes at how we ended up such good friends when all odds were against that for years. it's kinda nice.

what's not so nice is my moment last week when i was unable to "keep my pimp hand strong" and i called todd. he of course didn't answer, and i of course left a voice mail. it said something to the effect of " look here negro, get off of whoever you're on top of and call me, cause damn"

and of course there was no call.

i think all of this has really changed how i feel about "love" at least romantic love. i really do think it's crap. i think there's an initial attraction, whether it's physical, or that someone makes you laugh, or it's one irish car bomb too many. but then it's just a decision on whether or not you can tolerate someone's patterns and personality. and by this time, you've been naked with them, so that part doesn't stop. it's just sex with someone you can predict. it may be comfort, but it's not love.

i re-read the words he wrote me, clearly in the intitial attraction, and i think of how i believed the forever words he wrote, and how he spoke of love, and how i believed it.

i was a sucker, i was.

but not any more, and not in a hard, men suck , or live is a bitch and they you die - kinda way...but a i don't think it is a real thing. i will no longer search for it, - if i find someone that has patterns that match with mine ... that's fine. and if i don't - whatever, i'm going to do what i want to...and no longer what 'he' would think of it or consider any other attraction i have cheating. because that last year was a lie - and i'm not living that lie anymore.

the new truth, romantic "love" is a lie. created by hallmark cards, songwriters, and lifetime movies.

so. no more looking for love. no more looking for mr. right.

but quite possibly looking for mr. saturday night ( then get the hell out and lock the bottom lock on the front door on your way out kthxbye )

still a rockstar.

interesting week, i had a major money fuck up - that i fixed without borrowing money - YAYME! that's not to say that old fears about money ( and the lack of ) didn't resurface, cause they did - but not to the point of destruction or inability to function .... thank you therapy, wellbrutin, and cymbalta ( where does depression hurt?)

yesterday, i was in the place where all i wanted was a hug - and i was alone for the most part .... that really sucked, i realized how busy the lives of all my friends and i were .... and how so many of the ones i love dearly - are so physically far away from me, but woke up feeling renewed - and able to remember how lucky i am.

i was able to remember last night that i have my health, time and friends.... what more could i need. i have TOO MANY FRIENDS that have major illnesses going on, or have loved ones that are going thru health, how do you say in your language.. challenges, i just found out this morning about a person i know whose family lost their house and everything in it during this week's floods here in atlanta, another friend had to have their sick and elderly dog put to sleep, some are dealing with divorce and heartache.

me, i forgot to write in a check.

that's it. pulled money over from savings, crisis averted. i have a job that i truly love and i'm passionate about, better friends than money can buy, and relative great health. sometimes i'm in no way able to acknowledge the good in my life and all i can see is the crap, luckily today is not that day. i can see the good - and i'm grateful.


ok enough of that shitting rainbows and unicorns crap.

yes, changed the template again - which means i need to add the links back in and all that jazz - and i'm hoping the comments work again - not that i even think anyone reads this anymore or cares to comment - but changing things up seems to be in the air ( sidebar: i came THIS close to making the template Twilight or New Moon or Edward Cullen ... so consider yourselves lucky - i give not one shit that i'm almost 40 american years old and i find that tiny skinny near felony robert pattinson dreamy, so shut it ) ok where was i, ah yes, ch ch ch ch changes - i got new carpet in the whole house - and new drapes in the den ( no the carpet doesn't match the drapes .... well actually, it sorta does ), new patio furniture this summer for the .....wait for it - yeah, the patio, and a super new SUPER short new haircut.

i haven't done hair this short ( on purpose ) in a long time, and i feel sassy, sexy, pretty, and like me again....and that my friend doesn't suck.

i still haven't changed the man situation, i still love that man, and he still doesn't/can't/won't love me back - we speak sometimes, and usually i feel worse after we talk, but because part of me is still a stupid masochist i sill long for the sound of his voice when i don't hear it. i heard "our song" at work ( lovely day ) on the radio at work the other day and started tearing up. but then yesterday i heard it again and was able to sing along and remember that i loved that song long before i loved todd.

so for today - things are good. i have hot coffee, jason mraz in my ears, stacey's phone called me from her butt this morning, and i slept all the way thru the night.

so in the words of dr dre - today was (is) a good day.

god DAMN it.

a wee but proud rant


or, why i hate comcast cable.

or, why did the dog decide to wait until i had BRAND NEW CARPET to shit in the house for the very first time ever?

or, why do i care what todd thinks about me - when it's clear he doesn't at all

or, why was the shop so slow that in an 8 hour shift, i made only 80 bucks

or, why do i live so far away from my friends

or, why does that damn texan ( houston version ) not realize that he needs to be available to ME when I need to talk.....:)

or, why do all my cd's for the car seem scratched lately

and most important.

why do i NOT have a never ending supply of chocolate at my house, cause damn.

i'll post something real this weekend, trying really REALLY hard to get back in the swing of blogging.

who knew.

i still have a computer and sorta remember how to type.

so, i promised myself i was going to blog everyday of my 39th year, and clearly that didn't happen....but i'm starting to do more for me - and i'm getting back on track with the whole blogger thing.

but i'm looking at today as a new start, yes, again ( shut up ).

this summer has been a tough one. i had a REALLY hard time after todd dumped my ass - actually who am i kidding? i'm still having a hard time, it sneaks up on me - i hear song, or smell his cologne on someone and it's like i'm hearing him say those words all over again ...but most days are fine - if not good. so there's that.


i just got back from vacay - i picked up lola and we went to stacey's for a week. have i mentioned how great the wee tasty is - cause damn she is. it was a great trip - much laughing, some crying, MUCH food, a jason mraz concert

( where we met bushwalla WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!)


ignore the devil eye - he was the high one ... i was the sweaty one!

*we went to lunch with terri - who i have to say is a little funnier than me, and i told her - that kinda pisses me off.... :)

*we also went w-hay up north and met "THE" beth. she's fantastic. a perfect hostess ( the anti-kitchen nazi ) it was perfect...

*stacey and i spent the day at the indiana state fair with christel and austin - one of the best days i've had in a long time, i can't believe how much i loved the fair - i'm gonna go again - such a good time - i try to act like i'm all citified - but i really do like the quiet and honest work of the country...... anyway - another topic for another time.

* and and and - we went to see Kathy Griffin...good god - i haven't laughed like that in a long time - it was well needed and well appreciated. drama happened later that night that will have to be dealt with eventually - but all is well for now.

ok - so here's the thing -i'm going to make another effort at this - and talk about changes i'm trying to make between now and next june when i slam head first into 40.

and as dolly parton says - i can be fat, and i can be 40 - but i can't be fat AND 40.

so changes are happening.

god help me.

and you, you help me too.



*and yeah, i changed the template - but it seems the comments still aren't working - gonna try to fix that - code for asking tex to fix it for me*

thurs. fri. sat

i actually have blogs written out for these days .... on paper ...and will type them out tonight.

and oh yes, tex informed me that i "ganked up my comments"

i guess there's a flaw in the template - maybe i'll change it - but i like the way this one looks - so we'll see.

off to work.

ok.

so yesterday wasn't quite the rock star birthday i wanted .... at least while i was in it.

now i sit and look around the room.

i have cookies from stacey
i have flowers from tex
i had flowers from todd
i have cards of love from friends
i have new patio furniture
i had FANTASTIC pancakes with mom
i had a nice dinner with christine and her family
i got a hydranga plant from cherie.
i got TONS of phone calls and text messages


while i feel very sad about the breakup of me and todd - and the life i thought i was going to have...right now, in this moment i can recognize what i do have. ( which is very tenuous and subject to change at anytime ) right now i realize i'm rich in friends - and if todd doesn't love me in the way i need to be loved, guess what? i have tons of friends who do.

and i have an appointment with the doctor for new drugs next week

could be worse. but in this moment.

it's fine.

so it was today.

i'm 39.

so far, 39 is awful.

i've let todd break my heart & ruin my day.

and i hate that.

and i really need NO, unity, suck it up, you're in charge comments.

so if you're thinking about that.

don't.

t-minus 1

ah so today could have been bad - for about 3 minutes, it really was. dark. bad. and scary.

but then i got over it.

did a teeny bit of house work.
went to the pool for a short while ( want to feel the sun - not feel it's wrath )
went to supper with cherie and family - complete with game play alongs ...


checked the mail when i got home & had a card from christel and a great present from tex. made my day. funny - and project worthy .... all of this works towards making tomorrow better.

i actually spoke some to todd on the phone. wasn't terribly awkward, wasn't not awkward - but was ok.

tomorrow mom and i are headed to the original pancake house for pancakes - the world's most perfect food. and then off to a movie - hopefully some foreign language one where we'll have to read it - or or or - in a perfect world - a jane austen movie marathon.....a girl can dream


and and and when i came home tonight . clerks was on tv....could be a worse day

sunday sunday sunday.

today could have been a whole lot worse.

i got to sleep in some, went to breakfast with a good friend at the shiny diner then angela came over and we worked on the brown fat for a while - i'm trying to be smart about it - and enjoy how the sun feels and (no pun intended ) warms my spirit... but not fry like a chicken in a row boat. i need to not do that to my skin. ang and i did a little thrift-store shopping after, then crashed at my house, watched a little harry potter and just talked.

she's now upstairs getting ready for her date with 2 cute boys while i type this ... and i'm wondering what's for supper and reflecting on this past week.

shit week.

so let me tell you about what happened at work yesterday ( yesterday being the last day of work before my birthday - the day we always celebrate ( if not working on the actual day )

can you see where this is headed.

nothing happened.

no cards
no balloons
no cupcakes


no thing.


great.

cause this is the week i can handle this, i have LOADS of extra energy this. week. except i don't.

now, thank god for my friends that work at sally's they gave me a sweet card, giant slice of cheesecake, and nail polishes....and home friends - they were great of course - christine and i went to dinner, did some shopping - got some goodies for the patio/grill area....and we did a walk thru the 'ghetto' wal-mart - doesn't sound super exciting, but to just have time together, was enough for me.

lauren and i have both talked ( at great length ) about our men-folk situation i have a feeling that while there were the VERY best of intentions - i was both a vacation from reality - and played for a fool ( and was a fool ). i don't think these were done with any kind of malice- just were. i've been told i'm wrong for these feelings - well not for the feeling - but that i'm wrong about them ..... but kinda feeling that way anyway. and while it's not the best feeling i've ever had - it's not the worst either.

it just is.

***
angela just left here to go hang with her friends - and good god she's pretty - like stacey pretty - like so pretty it makes me angry. but it did make me take a look at myself and say - make an effort - so gonna NOT wallow in pity tonight - but seriously do some maintenance on me. mani/pedi/hair treatments/facial ....tomorrow do some quick straightening of the house - then back to the pool for a few hours.

i joke about being all about me, all the time ( even tex calls me 'mimi' ) but really, i do - if not "for" others, what i think others want from me too much. and this year, this 39th one that's coming up - that changes. starting tonight. then playing every day ....until there are no more days.

not selfish ( i think selfish indicates that there's not enough to go around and someone has to have lack for me to have what i need ) but i'm doing for me.

cause really Ru said it best.

"if you can't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love someone else?"

hummm.

so i work in a really decent shop - decent meaning we do good work, we generally all get along, generally all do what needs to be done without having to be told .... with the exception of one person - and of course she is the one who bitches the loudest. and today i wonder what would actually happen if i ripped her 'i wish i was beyonce - and i'm so damn not' wig off of her head and fed it to her.

it makes a happy little thought in my head to think on it.

and today is saturday - so i don't have to be at work until noon .... and i'm considering making pancakes for breakfast - basically because i can - but tomorrow is better.

i'm going to breakfast with cherie - then depending on weather angela and i are either going to lay out at the pool ALL DAMN DAY ( yes, kd - with sunscreen ) or sew. i have 2 sewing machines now - which basically means i have a sweatshop in my house. i want this to be the summer of girly skirts and sun dresses. i realize i'm fat - but i also realize that damnit - i'm a grown ass woman and if i wanna put my fat arms out there - i'm going to. and i want to and i'm gonig to.

so the sweatshop will be open and we will sew until our own fingers bleed - the upside of all of this is that we tend to average at least one bottle of wine per sewing adventure.

oh, and have i mentioned my birthday is coming up? cause it is ... and i'm also working on a lot of home improvement projects - getting new carpet installed, painting ( those had been plans,but then there was some talk about moving up north to be with todd - so i put the improvements on hold - but now, fuck that - i'm doing what i want ), and part of that improvement is doing some work in the back yard to make it more fun. i got new patio furniture and moved the grill off the patio and onto some pavers so there's a little more space. also, the bottle tree i had in the front finally fell apart so mom and dad got me a new one from here - the BIG DADDY!


i'm excited. i need some outdoor lighting, speakers for the outside, a little more seating, and then it's party time .... woohoo!

if you can tell from the not so damn sad tone of this post, today is a good day so far. todd and i have talked some, i know he loves me ( as best he can ) but sadly right now - he's choosing to be a volunteer for his depression. i can't be angry at someone who is doing what i myself have done. i just now know that there's nothing wrong with the depression - it's something that can be managed with medicine and therapy - and when he makes that jump - he'll feel better, i can recommend it - beg for it - support it .... but it's his choice. when he manages his depression - he'll be back to old todd.....and we'll still be friends.

maybe more, probably not. but i still wish him good mental health ( thanks frasier ) cause i remember how bad not managing it feels -i wouldn't wish that on anyone.

so here we go.... t-minus 5 days.

***i started writing this on paper at work yesterday ( 5/27/09 ) and finished up today ***

Some people do most of their reflecting at new years ( once again relegated to a HATED holiday ). I tend to do mine around my birthday. And yes, we've come to that time again. 39 is just a few days away. I can't help but think about the last year.

*I'm still a hairbanger, switched shops for about 2 months, then went back to my small, dumpy, kinda cheap shop where i'm less than 1 mile from home - have a schedule made of win {smell that? it's a 3 day weekend, every weekend} ...so i have life kinda easy and sweet..

*I finally got the answers i needed to the whole travis thing

*i fell head over heels ( sometimes literally ) crazy in love with someone i was pretty fuckin' sure i was going to have my happily ever after with....and due to a myriad of circumstances it's not working out. He promised me he'd never leave & he kinda did. My female friends say he's not gone - he's working on him. and i'm sure that's true ....however my male friends (one in particular who i totally trust ) says it's funeral time, bury it - it's dead....i don't know what to believe yet.

*i'm still crazy about "the numb3rs" it's funny, we've really not been friends all that long & yet i can't imagine life without them - or really remember when they weren't there.

*i'm still best of friends with the texan. we have our moments, days, weeks, where we don't talk ( generally because he's been an ass....but we always return to friends - that's nice to count on)

*i've got more of a grip on my mental health - i can tell when it's time to get help - and when it's just the blues

*i've got a good relationship with my parents, maybe better than ever.

Still working on

* my relationship with my faith ... whatever that's going to look like. thoughts on god, life, death, love, & religion.

*the promise i made myself that i would not be fat at 40....i have one year left to make good on that one with myself

*i have been better at seeing my long distance friends, i want more of that - i need more face time with those i call "face"

5/28/09

so yesterday, i was in the suck. not saying is yippie - but i'm allowing one day to feel like todd is going to take me under. that was yesterday - and he's not going to. i am going to be fine. and so is he. we might be fine together. we might not be.

either way, it's not going to be what kills me.

no matter what, ( at least right now ) i still love that damn man, and i'm not giving up on hope. ...not yet at least.

last night eeyore came over on his way out of town to see his folks and brought me some xanax that angela had for me ( thanks, ang ) THAT is a good friend - both of them actually. I still chuckle at how after all these years, he's one of my best friends in Atlanta. Life is funny - sometimes heartbreaking, but funny.

I'm going to do my best today to stay out of the funk - gonna talk to friends who have soft kind words that i need today, and not communicate so much with my friends who area maybe a little too honest and it feels a little harsh...and get thru today.


.....because in 5 short days, i'm going to be 39 years old.

HOLY CRAP!

no husband, no boyfriend, no kids ..... but i have mike, excellent friends, a killer rack, new patio furniture, a pool membership & cold beer in the fridge, could be much much worse.

holy christ.

i'm going to be thirty nine american years old on tuesday.

so i'm starting over. a new blog to chronicle my last year as a thirty-something.

hang on, strap tight ( shut up ), i predict a bumpy ride.